Loud Night

Wed, 09/08/2023.
22:05

Just another night filled with people racing illegally on the street. Sometimes I wonder why did the police keep letting this thing happens, I mean, it's been years if not forever. Another sound echoes from the "Karang Taruna" busy doing preparation for celebrating our independence day. I heard some of them singing accompanied by a guitar strumming. 

There is really nothing special tonight, but I just feel like writing something. Maybe because I think it would keep my mind busy or I'm just too bored. Actually, yeah. I am bored. I have been bored for a very long time. I'm not sure about what activity would keep me entertained day by day. I should've just think of little things first, but who likes doing little things? Why should I be alive just to be another office worker (if I ever got a job that is lmao). No offense, but why... are we alive?

Well, I've already heard the answer from a religious perspective. I remember someone said that we're always going to be a slave of something, some are slaves for money, some for their partner, and others might be a slave of their pets. "God, our creator is our master and we are His slave," that's basically what his idea was. I'm not pretty sure how to feel about that. In one hand, it put me at ease, because then I could just live being God's slave and just live by His teaching. On the other hand though, I have my own ideas of living. Some fun I want to taste, some adventure, some rebellion. I wanted to be someone important while I'm alive, someone who could make a difference. 

Living day by day here feels like a waste of time and space for awhile now. Somehow the world feels smaller and spins faster than it used to. Maybe it's because I'm getting old, and my friends are actually have been doing something for themselves instead of just ranting on the internet. I keep telling myself that I can do it too, but... how should I do that... who am I going to be... where should I take my feet to... when is the right time... So many unanswered questions, and I only have my dumb self to answer them.

Maybe I should've listened to my mom and get into accounting instead of trying to become a teacher, maybe that's where everything goes wrong. I just feel like... I don't belong here. I have no desire for money or partner, I just want to spend my time with my cats. Though, that too I don't really mind losing. I simply have no interest or desire... but then I just told myself I wanted to be someone... It's confusing. All these contradictions, I feel like I'm just a pretender, an impostor of myself.

I wonder which one is the real me, the one that has already given up or the one that has her head up on the clouds. I suppose it doesn't matter, because the reality is I can't do shit for myself. So, tonight I'm finding solace once again on the internet and the cats. Would they solve my problems? Obviously not, but at least I can feel some kind of spark when I'm writing this surrounded by my cat.

Below, I attach my cats to lighten up your days and nights as well <3 Meet Maxi, Nora, and Milo :)

Until we meet again.

Mio.